Monday, February 18, 2008

Presidential Cliff Notes

Here is the cliff notes version of the old, and mostly dead, white men that have occupied the highest position in the free world.
1-6: The Great White Hype
The first six presidents are men that are mostly named John or James, deist who looked to dip their quills in the black ink and generally revered as the greatest presidents in history. When in reality they just benefited from having a largely uneducated country and not being Mother England. Imagine if today John Kerry started a new country and people followed him. It would look pretty good compared to the US currently, but does that mean that John Kerry is bright, insightful figure who was centuries ahead of his time? It is worth noting that George Clinton served two terms as VP during this time. If only we could get the modern day George Clinton in there, then we'll really see if America is ready for a black president. He's qualified, I mean he has been running a parliament for over 25 years.
Andrew Jackson: Thomas Jefferson, Jr.
Where Jefferson left off, buying up 828,000 square miles off native land, Jackson picked up the early eradication of an indigenous people. Jackson passed the bluntly titled Indian Removal Act, believed in Manifest Destiny, and was the foreman who paved the Trail of Tears. Think if there was a weaker Republican field this year we might be reading about Tancredoian democracy in 200 years?

8-15: The Guys that Weren't Lincoln
The most forgettable collection of presidents in history, all 8 served one term or less. The U.S. from 1837-1861 was as stable as the cast of the view.
Such achievements by this crew include, the shortest presidency (31 days), muscling land away from the Mexicans, aiding slave owners in tracking down there "property," claiming that states could not legally secede but held that the Federal Government legally could not prevent them, and had a fast food restaurant named after one (Fillmore).
Abraham Lincoln: Maynard G. Krebs Goes to Work
During the Civil War Lincoln used his war powers to proclaim a blockade, suspended the writ of habeas corpus, spent money without congressional authorization, and imprisoned 18,000 suspected Confederate sympathizers without trial. Kinda sounds like Bush, yet he is still top 3 all time.
Andrew Johnson: A President So Nice They Impeached Him Twice
Johnson passed the Black Codes making freed slaves second class citizens. He also had such a contention relationship with Congress they tried to Impeach him twice. Once for basically being himself and the other for violating the Tenure of Office Act. Yet, some how Bush has gotten by scottfree. Hey at least Nebraska became a state during his presidency.
Ulysses S. Grant: America's Fat Drunk Uncle
When the biggest scandal of his presidency was called "The Whiskey Ring" it is safe to say that Grant made people believe that anyone truly could become president. Grant was a fat anti-Semite drunk who led the U.S. into the Long Depression, today he would be on Fox News.
19-25: The Guys that Weren't Roosevelt
Strongest collection of facial hair by a string of presidents. In fact when the public decided that Harrison's beard wasn't really working out for them they elected Cleveland's mustache to a second term. Also, some of the best pet names took place during this time, Garfield, Grover, Chester, Rutherford. The only president during this time to not have facial hair or an animals name was McKinley. However, he was assassinated by an anarchist, which is badass in its own right.
Theodore Roosevelt: Speak Softly and Carry a Big Schtick
Roosevelt grew up a sickly pipsqueak in New York, but is remembered as a Rough Rider. He also believed in Nordicism. However, he appointed the first Jew as Cabinet Secretary and had the first black man to dinner in the White House. Who was the real Roosevelt? The Aryan academic with asthma or the rough riding Nobel prize winner?
William Howard Taft: So Long, Facial Hair
A fat man with a mustache, he really should have switched places with McKinley. Taft weighed 330 lbs making him the fattest president, which will now segue these facts in the form of Yo President jokes. "Yo President is so fat, when he was elected he brought his own cow to the White House." "Yo President is so fat, when he took a bath he got stuck." "Yo President is so fat, he need a bathtub specially built for him that could hold 4 men." "Yo President is so fat, he was the first to regularly use a car because riding a horse could be considered animal cruelty."
Woodrow Wilson: The $100,000 Man
Wilson was a policy making president, but lacked an real flare. Imagine if Roosevelt never pretended to be tough and you have Wilson. There is a reason no one remembers World War I. He did appear on the $100,000 bill which is as idealistic as he was.
29-31: The Guys that Weren't FDR
These three were corrupt and inadequate, Teapot Dome, Mississippi Flood, and Great Depression made the 20's roaring alright. Imagine if we had nothing but Reagan, Bush and Bush for 24 straight years, except worse.
FDR: Farce of Dimes
He confiscated privately owned gold, used a Japanese attack to enter Western Europe conflict, imprisoned Americans because of their race, and had an affair for nearly 30 years with the same woman. Another one of the greats, at least he repealed Prohibition. Cheers
Harry S Truman: Truman Defeats 220,000 Sleeping Japanese
This guy dropped the bomb that no one in the world has used since. Not Cuba, not Russia, not even a Bush. Somehow killing nearly a quarter of a million civilians is still not frowned upon.
Dwight D. Eisenhower: The Good Times are Killing Me
This guys presidency was like a Rockwell painting, it's easy to forget the planned coup in Guatemala and the Eisenhower Doctrine. But thanks to him I can make it to California in 16 hours.
JFK: Playboy of the Western World
Kennedy was so damn charming no one ever seems to care his father rigged elections, he had enough blonds in the White House that the Lincoln Bedroom looked the grotto at Hef's place, Bay of Pigs, Cuban Missile Crisis, and committed troops to Vietnam. After writing all of that I looked at his picture and thought of how wonderful he was. There's a reason why everyone wants to be the next Kennedy.
36-37: Two SOBs You Don't Want to Fuck With
Everyone has seen the Oliver Stone movies and one thing is clear, LBJ and Nixon were two tough and crazy motherfuckers. Nixon had an enemies list and LBJ took on the KKK.

38-39: "They Never Told Me Being President Was This Tough" Ford was a clown and Carter was a peanut farm. I personally liked Carter, but this era hearkens back to some of the great lame duck stretches in history sans the facial hair unfortunately.
40-41: This is the End
Reagan and Bush I laid the foundation for everything that is wrong our society today. I could list everything but I don't have the time or the energy. Times like this I wish I could forget like Reagan.
Bill Clinton: The First Frat President
Everyone says Clinton was the first black president, actually he was the first frat boy in office. This guy loved McDonalds, fucked anything that moved, was a chubbie chaser, just wanted to hang with everyone, and had no problem with talking his way out of trouble.
George W. Bush: War on Error
Bush has been the worst president in the history of the U.S. He has run the country like a monkey with a hand grenade. If I didn't have enough energy to list what his daddy and Reagan did wrong I'm going to need to do way more coke lines to start this one. Considering he wasn't actually elected, I'm taking a mulligan.
There you have. No need to open a history book again. Happy President's Day.

1 comment:

John said...

You slight too much over Polk, who set the precedent for hating Mexicans.